I’ve mentioned in a past post that I have an older sister I’ve never met. I have no idea if she knows about me. She was the product of my father and his high school girlfriend not practicing safe sex. I only know her first name and have only seen one picture of her when she was a teenager.
WHAT I KNOW:
Her Name: Natasha (I have no idea what her last name is)
Year Born: I’m going to say it was either 1972 or 1973
College Attended: BYU
Lives In: Utah (Hopefully)
Her Mother’s Name: Lorna (again no last name)
My Dad’s Name: Rodnie Hart
I believe my dad and Lorna both attended Rancho High School in Las Vegas, NV during this time.
I always knew about Natasha growing up and didn’t always think about her. I had my little sister Birdie and that was enough. There were times she did come to mind and it would fill me with so many emotions I didn’t really poke at them too much. It was the natural curiosity of a young girl wanting to know more. Was she happy? Did she have so many brothers and sisters that she wouldn’t care that I was out there sharing her blood? Was she married? Did she have kids? What did she do for a living?
Why lament and obsess over something I had no control over. I never considered there would be a possibility that I could find her. The internet was just hitting the population in mass when I was in high school. There was no website or social media outlet to help me look for her. I would think about it but then forget about it just as fast.
Well these past few months she’s been on my mind more and more. I know she’s at least ten years older than I am which puts her at about 43-44 years old. I want to know if she was ever told about me. Would she ever want to meet me? Would it be too awkward? Has too much time pasted? Is the family she has now good enough? Does she think I have more motive for wanting to meet her than because we share a father? I admit I do obsess about it now. I spin my mind in circles and scare the hell out of myself.
I can still see the picture of her in my head that my dad showed me when I was about 8-9 years old. She would have been graduating high school. She had the classic teased bangs, a beautiful smile and auburn hair. Her skin was lighter which I thought was cool because my skin is olive tone like my dad’s. She also had on a maroon sweater that might have been a turtle neck.
I’ve heard stories from my dad, about how he’s talked to her mother once or twice in years past but I’m afraid to ask anything now. I know he hasn’t talked to her, that Natasha has a man she calls father and the one we share doesn’t really mean much to her. I get that completely, you love the parents that raised you but still. In a selfish thought though WHAT ABOUT ME?
I want to know about her. Are we alike at all? Do we share any resemblance to each other? Are there characteristic we share that have nothing to do with environment? Maybe a genetic similarity? If she did ever know about me, have I been on her mind? Did she ever want to find me? Is she happy?
This post fills me with anxiety. Why am I putting all of this out there? Could it really be read and seen by enough people that it makes its way into her life? Would she think it was her? Would she even care?
I like to believe that when someone is on your mind so heavily it’s because you’re on their mind as well. So maybe she does know about me and like me doesn’t know where to start or how. Would she really know my name? Why would she? I grew up with a completely different name than I use now. The search could be harder for her. Whatever the case I hope that putting this out into the universe provides answers to the questions that plague me about the mysterious girl who is my father’s first born daughter.