I always heard and seen people with their children. I thought I understood what it meant to love someone that much. I see now that I didn’t understand at all. I love my husband so very much but the feelings I have for my daughter can’t be described as love. The emotion is too strong and for me different than love, I feel it in a different place. It’s all consuming and powerful in a way that defies logic. I watch her sleep, I study her face as she discovers the world around her and I feel myself swelling so much on the insides of my body that it brings me to tears.
Having her eyes light up then watching her break into a smile simply because she sees my face makes me feel so good. I know it’s real, she doesn’t know how to pretend emotion yet, what she feels is honest and pure.
She’s going to be 3 months old in a few weeks and it just seems like it’s gone by so fast yet so slow all at once. I cherish each day and want to lock them into memory forever, I want each second imprinted so I don’t forget a thing. I write her emails telling her about the week so she can get a glimpse into our lives during a time when she wasn’t aware of everything. I tell her random things about the current world but I also tell her each time how thankful I am that she exists and that she is loved completely.
I could sit with her in my arms for hours as she sleeps just kissing her face, smelling her hair and tracing her fingers. I know I’m doing something right when she sighs with contentment and snuggles in closer. I think she’s starting to understand I’m her mommy.
When she’s up and active she can jib jab nonstop. She’s got so much to say! She coos and mimics, she wants to tell you her story. Those eyebrows help give so much expression! I hang on to every word and hope she knows I’m listening.
I think she’s starting to look more like herself. Since she was born all I could see what was Daddy and it made me smile to see his expressions on her little face but now she’s becoming herself. Her face is changing and starting to become a blend of more than just us. I see my sister in her, my mom sees my aunt, we all see someone that she resembles in our family and I love it.
I didn’t realize that she would be the only thing on my mind and would be the only topic I would want to discuss. I sit at work during lunch or breaks and try to pay attention to the conversation around me but it’s my daughter that gets my attention. I wonder what she’s doing, I remember her funny face from the night before or I think about the picture her Gigi sent me that morning and marvel at her face.
Will it always be this way? Is it because she’s so fresh and new to me that I want to take in every second? I don’t think so, I feel like I will always be this interested in her because watching her grow and learning to see the world from her perspective fascinates me completely. I’ve become a new version of myself because I am her mother. Do I sound insane? Have I become too obsessed? If the answer to either question is yes then I proudly accept that and hope it never changes.