I feel a change coming. I’m not sure if that change will be in myself or an event surrounding me but it looms just over the horizon. I do not fear this change. I am oddly calm and ready for whatever is coming. I have already accepted it for what it is and I find myself prepared.
What strikes me about this feeling, is that I know it will have long term impact. This isn’t a small hiccup in life that will smooth over. This is something that is going to cause new paths to form.
I haven’t often listened or allowed myself to feel these changes in the past. I was afraid of them. I thought myself strange for sensing something that couldn’t be explained. Who was I to have this foreknowledge? Was what I was then and am now feeling even real? I’ve come to learn that yes, it is real and when I don’t allow myself to pay attention to the signs that I am most often overwhelmed or sadden by such events.
In a world that is so very modern and so advance, many of us have allowed the world and those around us to shame our instincts and intuitions into silence. I know I’ve not only allowed it but I’m actively participated in shutting it down in myself and others for sounding “crazy” or not fitting the social norm. I felt guilty and embarrassed by these feelings so I lashed out, projecting it onto the masses.
Since the birth of my daughter I have come to realize that I no longer care how I am perceived by the outside world. Let strangers and acquaintances shun or judge me. They don’t really know me nor I them so the opinions and assumptions are meaningless.
Am I experiencing an awakening of sorts? Is the change I feel actually already happening? Is what I sense the effects of the change? Is my new perception what allows me to acknowledge the future and what it will bring?
I have so many questions. I am naturally an inquisitive person so this is nothing new for me but the questions I seek have changed. There is no longer the overwhelming need to have these questions answered in this minute either. I know that I will see the answers when I am ready to accept them for what they are and willing to use them correctly. Patience has become a new friend of mine and I welcome the new relationship between the two of us.
I’ve also found myself wanting to understand why I don’t believe in the god that religion has told me exist. It isn’t that I don’t believe in something beyond us or in something that can’t be explained but I have always rejected the explanation and limitations I perceive that have been placed on people inside the settings of organized religion.
If I can’t understand what I believe, what will I teach my daughter? I don’t want to discourage her in any way. I want her to seek out information. To find a belief or many beliefs that give her comfort and reassurance. It occurs to me that now is the time for me to seek out and understand what is it that I believe faith and spirituality to be in order to better help my child understand in the future.
My every thought process always circles back around to my daughter. Is it that way for every parent? I didn’t feel that during pregnancy. I knew a person was growing in my body but we was a separate being. Once she was born she would be her own person. I would just be there to help her mature and grow into adulthood, right? Once I saw her face and she looked at me it seemed that gravity shifted. The impact of what it really meant to be her mom, a parent, really hit me.
As I sit here writing this I think I have come to understand what looms on the horizon. It’s me, I loom. I am every changing, more so now than I have ever been. I am transforming and I will inspire change in events and myself because I am aware, because I ready for what is to come.