How has the New Year of 2017 been for all of you?
For me it’s been non-stop. In my real-life, outside of my blogging world, I have not been able to catch a breath. I’ve worked long hours and have tried my hardest to squeeze as many hours as I can out of the day to spend with my husband and daughter. 24 hours is not enough time.
I’m grateful for my mother during this time, more so than I am at any other time. If it cannot be me who is spending quality hours with my child then I am comforted by the fact that it is my mother. She is catching the smiles and milestones on camera. It’s with great sadness that I think the first time I see my daughter walk that it will be on film because I’ll be at work.
I know that my beautiful girl is feeling the separation as well. When her Dad and I are home she doesn’t let us far from her sight. Even naps are cause of tears because they take away hours that could be spent playing and laughing. I didn’t want to have to teach her so early that time is so precious. That more often than not our work lives supersede our homes lives. That no matter how much you want balance between home and work that work will always win. Society says family is more important but actions prove the opposite.
This post is more morose than normal. That’s the exhaustion and melancholy rearing its ugly head.
I know I could spend all day at home with my daughter but then where would we live? How would we pay for basic necessities? There is no possibly scenario at this point that gives me or my husband enough hours or money to support a family on one income. The American Dream seems bleak when you think about it that way, or at least it does to me.
It all starts to blur. Happy one moment and sad the next. Happy to be able to provide for my family. Sad at the cost that it entails. My mind knows that the sacrifice is worth it to some extent but my heart cannot be convinced. It will always choose my girl first. I like the way my heart thinks. I also appreciate the irony.
Dwelling only makes it worse and when my mind is tired it dwells. Once I’m home again, with my beautiful girl struggling to break away from my hug so she can get back to playing, I will find that light of happiness again. I’ll be able to remind myself that this busy time won’t last much longer. The hours after work and the weekends will once again be allotted to family.
Actually writing this down has helped. The tears fall but my body cleanses itself of the dark thoughts. Getting text from my mother of a smiling, happy almost toddler makes me smile despite myself.