I had an epiphany recently, one that shouldn’t have taken me so long to realize but it is what it is, right?
I‘ve always been very open and vocal with my issues regarding my father and his lack of attentiveness once I hit puberty. I came to understand that he made choices about what he considered was a priority in his life and I wasn’t one of them. Its fine, I’m over that. What I didn’t realize was how it would affect me once I became a parent.
I’ve been really hard on my husband. I’ve laid into him about spending time with our daughter and how important it is that she feel loved and wanted. I’m not saying he ignores her, not at all. In my mind he simply wasn’t spending as much time as I thought he should be with her.
I exploded on him a few weeks ago. I was so enraged and had no control over myself. He was looking at me like I lost my mind! He kept asking what the real problem was and I felt at the time that he was the problem but looking back now I know that it was all me.
It’s been a sore point since then and rightly so. Why did I get so upset? It’s not my responsibility to manage the time my husband spends with our daughter. I’m not in charge of the relationship they build together. I am only responsible for my time and bond with my daughter.
Over the weekend I realized that it was my issues with my own father that caused me to become so angry about it all. I was reacting on feelings that I thought I had purged and projecting them onto my husband and daughter.
I honestly didn’t realize that it still hurt me so much to have my father abandon me when I needed him the most.
When I was a child he was my favorite person. He would watch cartoons with me, eat Captain Crunch, take me swimming for hours and he never seemed bored. I really felt like he enjoyed my company. That memory of feeling so special and loved is still in my heart, even today. Thinking about it now makes me tear up, I know what lies ahead for the little girl that thinks her Dad
I want to reach out to that little girl and tell her that it won’t be her fault when she turns 13 and her Dad moves away. That when she goes to visit that he no longer wants to spend time with her like he did before he left. How do you explain to a child that drugs and pride get in the way and make you less important?
I’ve had to step back, I’ve had to remind myself that my experiences aren’t my daughter’s burden. My husband isn’t my father and I know that but I allowed my insecurities to infringe upon my present. My fear of the past almost jeopardized my future. All because I wasn’t listening to myself and wasn’t acknowledging how much losing my father’s attention hurt me.
I’ve spent the last week really digging deep and trying to understand why it still hurts after all these years. I thought I had accepted it but I guess not. Or maybe I’ve accepted some parts of it but not all. Either way I’ve decided to be done with it once and for all. I will let the past stay in the past. The present and the future are what matters.