For me part of being a human being and a mother is constantly working on myself.
In order for me to be the best parent I can be for my child I must always be mindful.
I must grow as a person mentally and spiritually.
It helps me to remember who I am, outside of being a Mom. That has been a struggle for me. Before I was a Mom I was spiraling. I had no drive for anything. I had become complacent. I was making bad choices that I knew were bad and didn’t care. I wasn’t accountable for anyone but myself, so who cares what I did?
It wasn’t until after Eme was born that I became more aware of the fact that I no longer felt empty. I was surprised, I didn’t feel empty before she was conceived, I didn’t really spend any time worrying about it. I existed.
This isn’t something I was aware of right away. I didn’t see my life was when I was living it. It’s only in reflecting that I see the truth. It hasn’t been easy, it can be difficult to look at yourself and be ashamed. I refuse to be a victim of myself though. I, for lack of a better word, have become awaken to an extent. I’m constantly learning so I don’t believe I’ll ever fully be enlightened. The point is that I am now aware and I work on it.
I make the choice each day on how I will allow the world and people to shape me. There are days I’m so content and happy that I feel like I could fly. Yet I also have those days where I feel like shit. I allow negativity to creep in and tell me that I am unworthy. That I expect too much. That I am selfish and make others around me miserable.
I’m thankful those feelings never last long. It is not in my nature to dwell on the negative. Do you know what helps pull me from that despair? Being a Mom. I can’t let me child see me think less of myself. How will that affect her? What will it make her think of herself? She is half of me.
So each day I swallow my pills, drink my water, ingest my foods and reflect. In what ways am I becoming a better version of myself? I am aware of trends within myself, ways that I self-destruct and cause chaos when/where it isn’t needed. I’m human, that’s going to happen. I can only accept, forgive and move on. I remind myself that I must like and love me. If I want to be an example to my child, I must be an example for myself.
This is why losing my creativity for these past months has been so hard on me. I’m continually working so hard to break from the shell I created for myself, and to think that breaking from this shell could cost me a piece of who I am is terrifying. But then I stop and think, what if I’m not losing it but that it is growing and becoming something else. Something I cannot recognize because it is new and I’m still learning?
It is scary to grow. Who will I become? Will I recognize myself? Is this who I’ve always been becoming?
You know what’s really fascinating and overwhelming all at once? Besides life in general, I mean? It’s what I see when I watch and listen. The questions that race through my mind when I have clarity. How free it feels to have a connection to the world.
I write these lessons down. I want to give insight to my child as she grows, that I’m growing alongside her. That we never stop growing. I want her to know that life is a constant lesson. It is also for me. A reminder so that when I’m in despair I remember the light.
This might all sound very “new age” or religious and maybe it is but it is how I am discovering me. It gives me comfort, isn’t that what counts?