I’m amazed each and every day by my daughter.
The way she figures out how to push her toys or pull her wagon across the room and over carpet and tile without a single issue. Less than a year ago she could barely walk! Talk about progress.
How she babbles and strings together words to try and explain herself. She’s now using her picture book to let her Dad know when she wants milk. How smart is that!?! I’m beyond impressed.
In being able to watch her learn and grow, I am able to step back and marvel at how fast the human brain grows and processes. I get such joy in watching Eme’s brain grow and develop. What a gift it is to be her mother. I know I say that often but that’s only because it’s true.
Do all parents feel this strongly? Does this overwhelming sense of pride and joy ever diminish?
On the flip side of that same coin, for all the joy and pride I feel, I also feel fear and stress daily.
What if something happens to her while I’m at work? How much chalk can she eat without getting sick? Is eating dirt really so bad? Will she ever make friends? Where the hell do I find parents and kids?
It’s an endless loop in my head. I won’t even get into the panic I feel over the fear that I probably fail her on any given day.
I know that it is impossible and impractical to prevent many of my fears and I know that I’m not failing her. She’s happy, smart, healthy, loved and everything I could want or expect her to be and more. This, I am sure, will never go away.
I think that life becomes never-ending for parents as a way to keep us from dwelling. If life were slow and tedious then we would have WAY too much time to sit and spiral.
I still battle extreme guilt because my beautiful child will only sleep on the couch! She absolutely refuses to sleep in her room, in her bed. In this I feel I have failed her but I remind myself that she sleeps soundly on said couch.
It’s become my routine to lift her each morning between 3-4am and bring her into my room so that she doesn’t wake when my mom is doing her morning routine. Will this ever change? Of course! Would I prefer that she love her room and the little toddler bed her Gigi got for her? OF COURSE! Will I ever get over this guilt? Fingers crossed…
What I do know is that none of this matters to my child. She loves me. She loves her Dad. She loves her Gigi.
She has no expectations because society hasn’t yet to grasp hold of her. She has no shame and no concern over things in which she has no control. She lives each day brand new, because for her each day is brand new. It’s that way for us as well but as adults we’ve become too jaded or busy to appreciate that simple fact.