I’m having a hard time.
There, I said it.
I feel myself folding in on myself.
I do everything I’m supposed to do throughout each day. I work, care for my child, interact with my husband, laugh with my mom, etc. But the entire time I’m hyperventilating on the inside. My thoughts are erratic and I’m in a constant state of stress.
I have zero attention span, I’d rather be hiding in a book or playing the new Family Guy game I’ve discovered on my phone. Anything to be invisible and alone. But I can’t do that. I have responsibilities. I have people that I love, that depend on me to be present.
So each day I just move forward. I know that there are so many factors right now that contribute to my anxious state of mind. Emotional upheaval at home, changing pains at work and as always myself. I am an over thinker by nature, so I know that I can add to my own stress and anxiety until I can solve my struggles. This is what you would call Classic Liza.
Despite the dark cloud currently residing over my head, there is no rain. I have not allowed the emotions necessary to move forward. I don’t have the time. I need to make time.
The idea of finding that time and allowing myself to release this energy, despite how negative it is, scares me. What will I have holding me together after that? I need a focus. I’m trying to read again, that’s actually going pretty well. The last book I read really gave me a lot to think about, I think I read it knowing that I would need to think about that specific topic. It bought me a perspective that I needed to see.
It’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. But what shoe? From which situation? My home life feels like it’s making its way toward the right path. It’s not easy and each day could bring something new to throw us off course but I’m holding onto the knowledge that we want our family to be happy and healthy.
Work is a little more complicated and not really something I can do in depth about at this time, or maybe ever. It isn’t my place to tell that story. It is up to me to rise above the hostility and chaos in order to be the best me I can be (mantra’s work!). It’s really hard though, I can’t lie.
When you are faced with someone or something that is perpetually negative and unhappy it is extremely difficult to disconnect. You spend 8-12 hours a day with your co-workers, so what affects them will affect you. It is during the harder days that I wish I could live in a bubble, one that would deflect the drama. Since that isn’t possible, it’s up to me to create an invisible bubble and protect myself.
Blogging has really helped me. It’s why I continue to do it. I can go weeks without a single post and then have an abundance of time so post nearly every day. It’s because I start to feel so good sharing with all of you and learning so much from the feedback but then I worry that I’m oversharing. What a fine line to walk.
Yesterday I asked my followers on my facebook page what triggers their anxiety and how they combat it. The responses were incredible. Whether it was friends, random followers or someone completely new we all shared that common bond. We all live with anxiety, some worse than others. We all had a variety of situations that would be considered triggers. From dishes in a sink to loud noises and fluorescent lights. The solutions were magnificent as well, some people sought professional help and learned coping techniques. Others have learned to stay away from what triggers them most and that is a constant struggle. Life seems to enjoy throwing obstacles at us until we overcome them. Interesting, isn’t it.
What really helped me over all and what has helped me to see a difference in just one day has been talking. I spoke to people face to face and said the words out loud. I am struggling, my anxiety has me overwhelmed and unstable. It has made the biggest difference.
Just releasing it and opening up has once again helped to ease my suffering. Why do I always forget that? Why do I forget that I’ve made friends online and in real life that care about me? That are there to listen?
I guess when we’re underneath that dark cloud it’s hard to see the light that friends and family can being into our lives. Thank you to my family and friends for helping me see that, thank you for being my light.