I Need to Write!


I stopped blogging because I’ve got so much on my plate that I needed to remove something before the plate spilled all over my lap.

In the time I’ve officially been away I’m been off. Something has been missing. Is it blogging? Is it sharing a piece of myself from time to time? I share myself all the time with my small business ventures. Is that the same?

I struggled in July. The sun was shining outside, it was never below 100 degrees but inside myself…pitch black. I was drowning in negativity and self-doubt. I felt rage inside me that hasn’t been there in a long time. I got more afraid. Why was this all coming back again?

Then August 1st hit yesterday and I’m bright again. My light switch flipped itself back on. Am I experiencing depression? A low point or just a hiccup in life? I’m not a medical expert, I have no idea.

There was certainly enough stress in my life. I received a summons at the beginning of July. A collection company is suing me for medical debt. I didn’t know that was possible. The doctor, whom I never saw, who signed my paperwork when I went to the ER two years ago, with a gallbladder that was completely gangrene, sold my debt to a collection service. I still have the letter stating as much.

The hospital wrote off the ER visit because I was without healthcare and based on my income could not afford the services they provided. I’m confused and angry that the doctor didn’t contact me and just sent me directly to collections. The summons said they could garnish my wages!!

I was able to get to the local legal aid office and they were so helpful!! They gave me all the paperwork I needed to provide an answer to the courts and to request proof of the debt. I sent certified letters to the lawyer and the credit agency. I received a voicemail from the collection company 4 days after I sent the letter. I’ve tried calling back and nobody has returned my call. I’m afraid to talk to them and find it odd that they contact me AFTER suing me. I remember hearing from them once a few years ago and I explained about the letter from the hospital clearing my debt but again nobody ever called me back.

I’ve been reading up on this agency and not many people have a positive experience. The only good reviews I read looked to be written by employees. Obviously, collection companies have a bad rep but this seems pretty intense to me.

Maybe it’s because I’ve answered the summons and the fear is gone. I can only wait for the courts to decide the fate of the case. It is no longer in my hands.

I’m trying to find my brand. Like I said, I’ve got a lot on my plate. I’m trying to decide what will define me in my business life. Where do I see myself in 20 years? Will I still have a full time job in the corporate world? Will I be doing something I can’t even conceive of yet? My world is constantly changing, I no longer have an expectation of what to expect.

I still feel the darkness. As I sit here and type this and try to form my thoughts, I have people trying to engage with me. They see my attention and focus are on what I’m doing but what they demand of me is more important. That drives me nuts!! Has this always been the case? Am I only now noticing it?

I’m also going to make an appointment with my doctor to discuss adult ADD. I’ve been researching and reading and I think this might be something I’ve been suffering from for longer than I’ve ever realized. I feel like my mind is like a TV and the channel is constantly changing. Or maybe I just need to read a book and learn some meditation and breathing exercises that will help calm the waters. I never feel truly calm at any point. It’s not uncommon for me to wake in the middle of the night with my thoughts running so fast I’m startled into full alertness.

I’ve realized I need to write, I never thought that would be a thing for me. I need to get it all out. I no longer care if it gets read, I just want it out of my head.

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