Shaking with Fear, Sharing my Truth


I posted a picture earlier this week. It was of me 8 weeks post-partum and one of me as of Sunday, October 29, 2017. The difference to me is shocking. It might not be to others but they don’t really know what is most shocking to me.

I’m about to tell you.

I’m extremely scared to tell this story but it’s been on my mind and in my head for too long. I need to release it and allow me to embrace and accept me.

Prior to discovering I was pregnant on July 4, 2015, I was self-destructing. Continue reading “Shaking with Fear, Sharing my Truth”

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Fair-weather Father


I wasn’t sure if I wanted to bring this up but the more I think about it the more I feel like I need to share it.

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For just a little background into this story. I’ve talked before on my blog about my father and our lack of relationship. He made his choices early in my life. Meth was and is more important. Or as he likes to say, “He was born an asshole and will die and asshole.” When I was a kid and he said this it used to bring me to tears. Now, I believe it to be 100% true.

He has no ambition to be a better person, father or human being. I struggled with this for many years and for the most part I’m over it.

I have an amazing mother. She talk me how to be who I am today. I am a strong individual because I was raised by a strong woman.

Over the years I’ve just accepted my father for who he is, or so I thought. I didn’t get angry when I didn’t hear from him when my daughter was born. I called, texted, left a message, all the while in labor. I wasn’t hurt, it was expected. He ended up meeting my daughter 3 months later.

Since then he’s seen her one other time.

So, there’s that story, which leads to short interaction this past weekend.

I got a text from a random number on Friday night around 10pm saying “It has been real good of u to let me get to know my granddaughter thank you with all my heart.”

I immediately knew who sent it and I was pissed!

This from someone I haven’t heard from or seen on 8 months!

I was civil, I replied “What? All you ever have to do is call.” I wanted to say more but I refrained. I should have said what I wanted right then and there. The reply told me as much, he said “I should not have to.”

If I could have jumped through the phone and punched him in the neck, I would have! He doesn’t have to?!?! He doesn’t have to reach out to me, his daughter, in order to get to know his grandchild? Seriously?

My response short but firm and said exactly what I needed to say, well mostly. I said “Really? Don’t play this game with me. You make your own choices. You never reach out. You have no idea what’s going on in my life because it’s not convenient for you. What’s the difference now?”

I’m still waiting on the response.

I should have asked him what his granddaughter’s name was, he has never called her by her name.

I was livid all day, I allowed him to ruin my Sunday and that made me even more upset. This man! Who does he think he is!! I’ve tried in the past to build a relationship but it always felt one-sided, I was never as important as Meth. It’s that simple. He was a fair-weather father and is now nobody.

When the shooting happened and I was thinking of all the people I cared for and wondering if they were safe, he never entered my mind. That says something to me.

My child is not a toy. I made the choice before she was even born, I would not allow anyone to treat her emotions as if they meant nothing. Be it family or friend. If you want to be in her life then be there, if not then don’t be. We don’t need or want you.

Rocking the Boat


When I woke up this morning I still felt raw. The massacre that has affected the city I was born and raised in is still in mourning. We are still trying to answer that question of WHY.

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While we ponder this question the internet is filled with warriors telling us about how it was all a hoax, that we don’t need to take a serious look at our gun laws, that God did this because the president isn’t respect, etc. I don’t know why I look. Every comment has me seething.

A hoax!?!? Really, explain that to the families of the 58 fallen. Explain to the other 500 injured that they aren’t really hurt, that it’s all a hoax perpetuated by the CIA. Yeah, people think that.

I personally believe that we need more common sense gun laws. I think that automatic weapons do not need to be sold to the public. Kits that can be added to make a more powerful weapon should be for military use only. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to take anyone’s gun away. Actually I take that back, if you can’t pass a background check, a mental evaluation, a gun safety class and refuse to register every gun you own then I want your gun. I know that people say that people will get access to guns to matter what but that’s bullshit. Granted the black market is thriving but that’s because we refuse to enact any laws in our country to protect us. I don’t feel safe.

The best yet is God. Good old God. He’s been telling people like Pat Robertson that we deserved for this to happen. It’s that kind. He is a well-known and influential Christian leader, and he is spreading hate. I’ve had friends tell me that he’s a fanatic and nobody who is a real Christian listen to him but I call bullshit on that as well. If nobody listened then he wouldn’t have an audience. The 700 Club wouldn’t continue to grow.

Every time we face a massacre on this scale in this nation, which seems to be more often than not anymore, the propaganda increases. But we allow it, don’t we. We’re too afraid to rock the boat. Well, I’m done. I’m rocking the boat.

In my research today I’ve learned how the politicians that claim to represent me and my state are more likely to represent whoever gave them the most money. I already knew this but to see key pieces of legislation that they reject in favor of chaos and turmoil for all American’s has me hot.

To see that the men and women who claim to care about America, about her people, about our lives really only care about themselves and lobbyist has crushed my soul. How much money can we raise as voters to have our voices heard?

How much does it cost to re-implement CHIP? You know, the program for low income children. The one that gives them access to healthcare? That expires September 30, 2017 and not a single politician has done anything to mitigate the 8.9 million children who will be affected?

How much does it cost to buy a politician? It’s more than $174,000 per year. So we have some crowd-sourcing to do. We already pay for their salary, their healthcare, their travel, their lodging, their offices, their staff, and so on but that isn’t enough.

Should we resort to blackmail instead? It works for Russia, and lord knows we love Russia now, right?!?! Nobody seems to care about how Russia conspired in the election. Who cares about that when Hillary Clinton used a private email!!! It’s not like our current administration has anyone doing the same thing….right? The best direction is misdirection, am I right!

It’s just all becoming too much. I’m done holding it all in. We as a people have allowed extremist to take over our country and we need to stop it. We must come up with a solution and drive these extremist out of the limelight. We need to help educate. We need to listen.

Light in the Dark


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I’m having a hard time.

There, I said it.

I feel myself folding in on myself.

I do everything I’m supposed to do throughout each day. I work, care for my child, interact with my husband, laugh with my mom, etc. But the entire time I’m hyperventilating on the inside. My thoughts are erratic and I’m in a constant state of stress.

I have zero attention span, I’d rather be hiding in a book or playing the new Family Guy game I’ve discovered on my phone. Anything to be invisible and alone. But I can’t do that. I have responsibilities. I have people that I love, that depend on me to be present. Continue reading “Light in the Dark”

TV…What is it good for?!?


It’s well known that once you become a parent that you also begin to watch more cartoons than you did prior to children. Or at least you now watch cartoons that are more child friendly. Maybe, who knows?

My point is, cartoons.

While watching Loud House, Doc McStuffins, Sofia the First, etc. I’ve noticed a theme. They all teach lessons.

Be a good person.

Be truthful.

Share with others.

Learn to see things from a different perspective.

Forgive people.

Accept people.

The lists goes on and on. Great lessons taught in a simple way. Which got me thinking…at what point does that change? Continue reading “TV…What is it good for?!?”