Fair-weather Father


I wasn’t sure if I wanted to bring this up but the more I think about it the more I feel like I need to share it.

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For just a little background into this story. I’ve talked before on my blog about my father and our lack of relationship. He made his choices early in my life. Meth was and is more important. Or as he likes to say, “He was born an asshole and will die and asshole.” When I was a kid and he said this it used to bring me to tears. Now, I believe it to be 100% true.

He has no ambition to be a better person, father or human being. I struggled with this for many years and for the most part I’m over it.

I have an amazing mother. She talk me how to be who I am today. I am a strong individual because I was raised by a strong woman.

Over the years I’ve just accepted my father for who he is, or so I thought. I didn’t get angry when I didn’t hear from him when my daughter was born. I called, texted, left a message, all the while in labor. I wasn’t hurt, it was expected. He ended up meeting my daughter 3 months later.

Since then he’s seen her one other time.

So, there’s that story, which leads to short interaction this past weekend.

I got a text from a random number on Friday night around 10pm saying “It has been real good of u to let me get to know my granddaughter thank you with all my heart.”

I immediately knew who sent it and I was pissed!

This from someone I haven’t heard from or seen on 8 months!

I was civil, I replied “What? All you ever have to do is call.” I wanted to say more but I refrained. I should have said what I wanted right then and there. The reply told me as much, he said “I should not have to.”

If I could have jumped through the phone and punched him in the neck, I would have! He doesn’t have to?!?! He doesn’t have to reach out to me, his daughter, in order to get to know his grandchild? Seriously?

My response short but firm and said exactly what I needed to say, well mostly. I said “Really? Don’t play this game with me. You make your own choices. You never reach out. You have no idea what’s going on in my life because it’s not convenient for you. What’s the difference now?”

I’m still waiting on the response.

I should have asked him what his granddaughter’s name was, he has never called her by her name.

I was livid all day, I allowed him to ruin my Sunday and that made me even more upset. This man! Who does he think he is!! I’ve tried in the past to build a relationship but it always felt one-sided, I was never as important as Meth. It’s that simple. He was a fair-weather father and is now nobody.

When the shooting happened and I was thinking of all the people I cared for and wondering if they were safe, he never entered my mind. That says something to me.

My child is not a toy. I made the choice before she was even born, I would not allow anyone to treat her emotions as if they meant nothing. Be it family or friend. If you want to be in her life then be there, if not then don’t be. We don’t need or want you.

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Who Has the Power?


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Has there ever been someone in your past or maybe someone in your current life that makes you experience emotion beyond reason?

For example, the sound of their voice or the statements they make cause instance anger, frustration or fury?

Are you able to get past it or are you currently in the middle of it and have no escape from these emotions? Continue reading “Who Has the Power?”

Instead of #WaldoWednesday


I don’t have a theme today for #WaldoWednesday.

I have been dealing with a sick baby all week and lack the brain power this morning to dig too deep into myself.

I guess that’s wrong as well. I am digging deep but I don’t know if a quote from my favorite dead fella will work this morning.

Continue reading “Instead of #WaldoWednesday”

Happy Nevada Day….oh and Halloween too


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Home means NEVADA, Home means the hill……

For many today both in Nevada and all over the US Halloween is the day that is celebrated by children and adults alike. For me October 31st is always first and foremost NEVADA DAY. It’s the day that the only place I’ve ever called home became an official state of the Union.

I love my home. Don’t get me wrong, I hate the summers with the unbearable heat but that doesn’t last forever. Love over powers any grief I have with summer time.

I love the way the wind is always blowing in Las Vegas. No matter what we always have a breeze.

I love how it smells when it’s about to rain and afterward when the desert has been cleansed.

I love that my husband and I are both born and raised in this state and it’s where we had our daughter.

I love how beautiful it is during the fall, winter and spring. How the air is warm during the day abut cool enough to snuggle at night.

I love that nearly everything is 24 hours. There is freedom in being able to eat breakfast in the middle of the night at your favorite little diner in a local casino.

I have a great deal of pride in my state and an fiercely protective when anyone deems my home less than great.

I have watched this city I live in grow and change in such a short amount of time. More people and more traffic. Road ways always under construction. It all can get maddening but this is my home. These are my streets.

When you’re out tonight with your kids knocking on doors remember to hum a birthday tune as well.

Oh and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

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Changes…


I feel a change coming. I’m not sure if that change will be in myself or an event surrounding me but it looms just over the horizon. I do not fear this change. I am oddly calm and ready for whatever is coming. I have already accepted it for what it is and I find myself prepared.

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What strikes me about this feeling, is that I know it will have long term impact. This isn’t a small hiccup in life that will smooth over. This is something that is going to cause new paths to form. Continue reading “Changes…”