Work In Progress


pexels-photo-164828

For me part of being a human being and a mother is constantly working on myself.

In order for me to be the best parent I can be for my child I must always be mindful.

I must grow as a person mentally and spiritually.

It helps me to remember who I am, outside of being a Mom. That has been a struggle for me. Before I was a Mom I was spiraling. I had no drive for anything. I had become complacent. I was making bad choices that I knew were bad and didn’t care. I wasn’t accountable for anyone but myself, so who cares what I did?

It wasn’t until after Eme was born that I became more aware of the fact that I no longer felt empty. I was surprised, I didn’t feel empty before she was conceived, I didn’t really spend any time worrying about it. I existed.

This isn’t something I was aware of right away. I didn’t see my life was when I was living it. It’s only in reflecting that I see the truth. It hasn’t been easy, it can be difficult to look at yourself and be ashamed. I refuse to be a victim of myself though. I, for lack of a better word, have become awaken to an extent. I’m constantly learning so I don’t believe I’ll ever fully be enlightened. The point is that I am now aware and I work on it.

I make the choice each day on how I will allow the world and people to shape me. There are days I’m so content and happy that I feel like I could fly. Yet I also have those days where I feel like shit. I allow negativity to creep in and tell me that I am unworthy. That I expect too much. That I am selfish and make others around me miserable.

I’m thankful those feelings never last long. It is not in my nature to dwell on the negative. Do you know what helps pull me from that despair? Being a Mom. I can’t let me child see me think less of myself. How will that affect her? What will it make her think of herself? She is half of me.

So each day I swallow my pills, drink my water, ingest my foods and reflect. In what ways am I becoming a better version of myself? I am aware of trends within myself, ways that I self-destruct and cause chaos when/where it isn’t needed. I’m human, that’s going to happen. I can only accept, forgive and move on. I remind myself that I must like and love me. If I want to be an example to my child, I must be an example for myself.

This is why losing my creativity for these past months has been so hard on me. I’m continually working so hard to break from the shell I created for myself, and to think that breaking from this shell could cost me a piece of who I am is terrifying. But then I stop and think, what if I’m not losing it but that it is growing and becoming something else. Something I cannot recognize because it is new and I’m still learning?

It is scary to grow. Who will I become? Will I recognize myself? Is this who I’ve always been becoming?

You know what’s really fascinating and overwhelming all at once? Besides life in general, I mean? It’s what I see when I watch and listen. The questions that race through my mind when I have clarity. How free it feels to have a connection to the world.

I write these lessons down. I want to give insight to my child as she grows, that I’m growing alongside her. That we never stop growing. I want her to know that life is a constant lesson. It is also for me. A reminder so that when I’m in despair I remember the light.

This might all sound very “new age” or religious and maybe it is but it is how I am discovering me. It gives me comfort, isn’t that what counts?

Advertisements

#TakeItPersonal?!?


pexels-photo-205000

Have people always taken everything so personal?

Is this really a 21st century mentality?

I’ve noticed more and more than conversation and debate with people who think differently from you is becoming nearly impossible. When you get deep into the topic and become passionate people are quick to assume that passion is directed at them and not at the topic at hand.

I’m guilty of it myself. There are times I start to feel that the person I’m interacting with has turned the conversation into a personal attack.

The topic is dropped and the focus becomes changing my mind. Not broadening my view but making me understand that my views are wrong and that I need to change them.

In this, I hope I am not guilty. I never set out to change other people’s beliefs, values or ideals. I simply want to provide more knowledge. I believe that we can only grow and evolve through experience and shared knowledge.

In order to understand and respect others we all need to be able to listen. More often than not we hear words but are so busy waiting to respond we fail to acknowledge others.

I know I’m getting pretty deep but that’s where I’m at lately. I’m inside my head most the day, thinking and looking for ways to grow. Once I’m home I’m interacting with my daughter and hoping that I’m instilling positive qualities in her, despite the fact that she’s a year old and just wants to play.

I’m done with being meek around those who make me uncomfortable, I’m turning the tables. I will no longer be intimated by people who want to bully me into their ideals. I will assert my power and knowledge.

#Momlife: Year One


I know that I’ve been a mother, technically, since the moment of inception but this post isn’t about that. It’s about my first year as a mother to a living, breathing, human-being.

To say that it has changed me and my world is a total and complete understatement. Of course it has, if it didn’t I would completely judge myself. Creating, growing and nurturing a human being is a life changing experience. It is always on my mind.

Am I doing this right?

Am I doing that right?

Why isn’t she sleeping through the night?

Do all her teeth have to come in at once?

Why don’t I understand all her cries and whines? Shouldn’t I know these things by now? Why do they keep changing? Continue reading “#Momlife: Year One”

Changes….They are A Comin’


change

I’ve gone over and over it in my mind.

I’m going to be changing the theme, brand, whatever of my blog.

I originally wanted to share my thoughts and review on books, show you pictures on my furbaby and ramble once in a while.

Since finding out I was pregnant and with the birth of my daughter my attentions have turned in a new direction.

I still read but not as often as before and I can’t guarantee when I’ll be able to sit down again for any extended period of time and start or finish a book again. I’m ok with that, I hope you all are as well.

I’m going to be that parent right now that you roll your eyes at, so here goes. My daughter is only 9 months old at this point so everything she does overjoys me. I’m excited to spend every second I can with her. I have not reached the point where I want to drop her off in the woods or ship her to the North Pole. I’m sure that time is coming but for now I’m enjoying every moment and I want to write about it as much as possible.

I want to talk about what effects my family as my daughter grows. What I think about on any given day about what she should eat, how fast her teeth are coming and how she makes me smile when she calls me mama.

I’ve held back because I haven’t wanted to disappoint anyone but I have disappointed someone. Myself. Hence the reason I’ve decided to rebrand.

I haven’t decided if I will change the name of the blog or not but I am tempted. We’ll see what happens. I do hope you’ll all continue to visit and enjoy my blog now and in the future.

Happy Nevada Day….oh and Halloween too


happy-birthday-nv

Home means NEVADA, Home means the hill……

For many today both in Nevada and all over the US Halloween is the day that is celebrated by children and adults alike. For me October 31st is always first and foremost NEVADA DAY. It’s the day that the only place I’ve ever called home became an official state of the Union.

I love my home. Don’t get me wrong, I hate the summers with the unbearable heat but that doesn’t last forever. Love over powers any grief I have with summer time.

I love the way the wind is always blowing in Las Vegas. No matter what we always have a breeze.

I love how it smells when it’s about to rain and afterward when the desert has been cleansed.

I love that my husband and I are both born and raised in this state and it’s where we had our daughter.

I love how beautiful it is during the fall, winter and spring. How the air is warm during the day abut cool enough to snuggle at night.

I love that nearly everything is 24 hours. There is freedom in being able to eat breakfast in the middle of the night at your favorite little diner in a local casino.

I have a great deal of pride in my state and an fiercely protective when anyone deems my home less than great.

I have watched this city I live in grow and change in such a short amount of time. More people and more traffic. Road ways always under construction. It all can get maddening but this is my home. These are my streets.

When you’re out tonight with your kids knocking on doors remember to hum a birthday tune as well.

Oh and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

happy-halloween