Light in the Dark


pexels-photo-351773

I’m having a hard time.

There, I said it.

I feel myself folding in on myself.

I do everything I’m supposed to do throughout each day. I work, care for my child, interact with my husband, laugh with my mom, etc. But the entire time I’m hyperventilating on the inside. My thoughts are erratic and I’m in a constant state of stress.

I have zero attention span, I’d rather be hiding in a book or playing the new Family Guy game I’ve discovered on my phone. Anything to be invisible and alone. But I can’t do that. I have responsibilities. I have people that I love, that depend on me to be present. Continue reading “Light in the Dark”

Advertisements

#BookReview: Finding Libbie


Poring over a dusty hatbox of photographs in her grandmother’s closet, Emily Prentice is shocked to discover her father was married to his high school sweetheart before meeting her mother.

In the summer of 1968, Jack and Libbie fall in love under the spell of their small town, untouched by the chaos of the late sixties. Though Libbie’s well-to-do parents disapprove of Jack’s humble family and his aspiration to become a mechanic, she marries Jack a year after they graduate high school. But soon their happiness crumbles as Libbie’s mental state unravels and she is drawn to alcohol and drugs. Despite his efforts to help her, Jack loses the woman he loves and is forced to move on with his life.

Now that Emily’s mother has passed away, Jack is alone again, and Emily grows obsessed with the beautiful woman who had given her father such joy. Determined to find Libbie, Emily pieces together the couple’s fragmented past. But is it too late for happy endings? Continue reading “#BookReview: Finding Libbie”

Work In Progress


pexels-photo-164828

For me part of being a human being and a mother is constantly working on myself.

In order for me to be the best parent I can be for my child I must always be mindful.

I must grow as a person mentally and spiritually.

It helps me to remember who I am, outside of being a Mom. That has been a struggle for me. Before I was a Mom I was spiraling. I had no drive for anything. I had become complacent. I was making bad choices that I knew were bad and didn’t care. I wasn’t accountable for anyone but myself, so who cares what I did?

It wasn’t until after Eme was born that I became more aware of the fact that I no longer felt empty. I was surprised, I didn’t feel empty before she was conceived, I didn’t really spend any time worrying about it. I existed.

This isn’t something I was aware of right away. I didn’t see my life was when I was living it. It’s only in reflecting that I see the truth. It hasn’t been easy, it can be difficult to look at yourself and be ashamed. I refuse to be a victim of myself though. I, for lack of a better word, have become awaken to an extent. I’m constantly learning so I don’t believe I’ll ever fully be enlightened. The point is that I am now aware and I work on it.

I make the choice each day on how I will allow the world and people to shape me. There are days I’m so content and happy that I feel like I could fly. Yet I also have those days where I feel like shit. I allow negativity to creep in and tell me that I am unworthy. That I expect too much. That I am selfish and make others around me miserable.

I’m thankful those feelings never last long. It is not in my nature to dwell on the negative. Do you know what helps pull me from that despair? Being a Mom. I can’t let me child see me think less of myself. How will that affect her? What will it make her think of herself? She is half of me.

So each day I swallow my pills, drink my water, ingest my foods and reflect. In what ways am I becoming a better version of myself? I am aware of trends within myself, ways that I self-destruct and cause chaos when/where it isn’t needed. I’m human, that’s going to happen. I can only accept, forgive and move on. I remind myself that I must like and love me. If I want to be an example to my child, I must be an example for myself.

This is why losing my creativity for these past months has been so hard on me. I’m continually working so hard to break from the shell I created for myself, and to think that breaking from this shell could cost me a piece of who I am is terrifying. But then I stop and think, what if I’m not losing it but that it is growing and becoming something else. Something I cannot recognize because it is new and I’m still learning?

It is scary to grow. Who will I become? Will I recognize myself? Is this who I’ve always been becoming?

You know what’s really fascinating and overwhelming all at once? Besides life in general, I mean? It’s what I see when I watch and listen. The questions that race through my mind when I have clarity. How free it feels to have a connection to the world.

I write these lessons down. I want to give insight to my child as she grows, that I’m growing alongside her. That we never stop growing. I want her to know that life is a constant lesson. It is also for me. A reminder so that when I’m in despair I remember the light.

This might all sound very “new age” or religious and maybe it is but it is how I am discovering me. It gives me comfort, isn’t that what counts?

Who Has the Power?


pexels-photo-312839

Has there ever been someone in your past or maybe someone in your current life that makes you experience emotion beyond reason?

For example, the sound of their voice or the statements they make cause instance anger, frustration or fury?

Are you able to get past it or are you currently in the middle of it and have no escape from these emotions? Continue reading “Who Has the Power?”

#Momlife: Year One


I know that I’ve been a mother, technically, since the moment of inception but this post isn’t about that. It’s about my first year as a mother to a living, breathing, human-being.

To say that it has changed me and my world is a total and complete understatement. Of course it has, if it didn’t I would completely judge myself. Creating, growing and nurturing a human being is a life changing experience. It is always on my mind.

Am I doing this right?

Am I doing that right?

Why isn’t she sleeping through the night?

Do all her teeth have to come in at once?

Why don’t I understand all her cries and whines? Shouldn’t I know these things by now? Why do they keep changing? Continue reading “#Momlife: Year One”