Work In Progress


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For me part of being a human being and a mother is constantly working on myself.

In order for me to be the best parent I can be for my child I must always be mindful.

I must grow as a person mentally and spiritually.

It helps me to remember who I am, outside of being a Mom. That has been a struggle for me. Before I was a Mom I was spiraling. I had no drive for anything. I had become complacent. I was making bad choices that I knew were bad and didn’t care. I wasn’t accountable for anyone but myself, so who cares what I did?

It wasn’t until after Eme was born that I became more aware of the fact that I no longer felt empty. I was surprised, I didn’t feel empty before she was conceived, I didn’t really spend any time worrying about it. I existed.

This isn’t something I was aware of right away. I didn’t see my life was when I was living it. It’s only in reflecting that I see the truth. It hasn’t been easy, it can be difficult to look at yourself and be ashamed. I refuse to be a victim of myself though. I, for lack of a better word, have become awaken to an extent. I’m constantly learning so I don’t believe I’ll ever fully be enlightened. The point is that I am now aware and I work on it.

I make the choice each day on how I will allow the world and people to shape me. There are days I’m so content and happy that I feel like I could fly. Yet I also have those days where I feel like shit. I allow negativity to creep in and tell me that I am unworthy. That I expect too much. That I am selfish and make others around me miserable.

I’m thankful those feelings never last long. It is not in my nature to dwell on the negative. Do you know what helps pull me from that despair? Being a Mom. I can’t let me child see me think less of myself. How will that affect her? What will it make her think of herself? She is half of me.

So each day I swallow my pills, drink my water, ingest my foods and reflect. In what ways am I becoming a better version of myself? I am aware of trends within myself, ways that I self-destruct and cause chaos when/where it isn’t needed. I’m human, that’s going to happen. I can only accept, forgive and move on. I remind myself that I must like and love me. If I want to be an example to my child, I must be an example for myself.

This is why losing my creativity for these past months has been so hard on me. I’m continually working so hard to break from the shell I created for myself, and to think that breaking from this shell could cost me a piece of who I am is terrifying. But then I stop and think, what if I’m not losing it but that it is growing and becoming something else. Something I cannot recognize because it is new and I’m still learning?

It is scary to grow. Who will I become? Will I recognize myself? Is this who I’ve always been becoming?

You know what’s really fascinating and overwhelming all at once? Besides life in general, I mean? It’s what I see when I watch and listen. The questions that race through my mind when I have clarity. How free it feels to have a connection to the world.

I write these lessons down. I want to give insight to my child as she grows, that I’m growing alongside her. That we never stop growing. I want her to know that life is a constant lesson. It is also for me. A reminder so that when I’m in despair I remember the light.

This might all sound very “new age” or religious and maybe it is but it is how I am discovering me. It gives me comfort, isn’t that what counts?

It won’t last forever…..


How has the New Year of 2017 been for all of you?

For me it’s been non-stop. In my real-life, outside of my blogging world, I have not been able to catch a breath. I’ve worked long hours and have tried my hardest to squeeze as many hours as I can out of the day to spend with my husband and daughter. 24 hours is not enough time.

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I’m grateful for my mother during this time, more so than I am at any other time. If it cannot be me who is spending quality hours with my child then I am comforted by the fact that it is my mother. She is catching the smiles and milestones on camera. It’s with great sadness that I think the first time I see my daughter walk that it will be on film because I’ll be at work. Continue reading “It won’t last forever…..”

#WaldoWednesday


9-7-2016

(Photo Courtesy wordables.com)

It took me some time to decide on what quote to use today. I was going through the collection I have gathered over the years and this particular quote kept coming back to me again and again. Maybe it’s because I needed to read it and really think on it.

My actions during the course of the day, the month, even the year show people the come into and out of my life exactly who I am regardless of the words that come from my mouth.

Those closest to me each day are affected by my actions more than by my words. What I do or don’t do for them speaks volumes. Am I indifferent to them? Do I treat them with kindest through my actions? The answer is yes to both but not every day. After all I am human and we are a selfish species, one that often thinks of ourselves before others.

For me anymore it all circles back to being a parent now. What is my child seeing in my actions? What impact am I having on her on a daily basis? What will she learn by watching me? I want to make smart choices, I want to show her that it is better to be kind but to also stand up for yourself. That you can do both and still be respected. So much of everything I do, think and feel is wrapped up in how I am teaching this new person. It’s very overwhelming and on some days can cause me to not be the best person. My actions show my impatience or anger despite my words of everything is fine.

I challenge each of you today to keep watch on your actions and see if they match yours words. Are you two different people co-existing in one body without realizing it? Do you say one thing but have your actions contradict you?

What is Sleep?!?!


Did you know when you push forth a person from your body or decide to bring a baby into your home a switch is flipped on inside of you that prevents a restful sleep? I didn’t. I don’t think I’ve slept longer than 2-3 hours at a time since Emmie was born. It’s not her fault, well mostly, either! She’ll have those rare nights when she sleeps for a 4-6 hour stretch and I will still catapult out of bed to stare at her monitor just in case. Continue reading “What is Sleep?!?!”